Valenstine Day
by SmashTurnip Girl
Summary: Toki's always been a fan of Valentine's Day.


"Valenstine Day ams for dildos."

Toki was used to that. He heard it every year. Toki always liked to mark the occasion; it was never so much about romance in Mordhaus (because the word alone was enough to turn their stomachs), but Toki did like to show that he cared. The rest of his band might have spent most of the time being insufferable douchebags, but they were _his_ insufferable douchebags.

It was bromance, and it was beautiful.

Well, maybe beautiful is a little strong. But, still, it was special to Toki all the same, so he kindly took the time and effort to thank his bandmates for their 'friendship' (or 'occasionally not being a complete dildo') every year.

It was also a brilliant way of being able to give Skwisgaar a Valentine's card without anyone growing suspicious. Toki would work a little harder on Skwisgaar's card, smile a little more when handing it to him. But his bandmates didn't notice. Including Skwisgaar. It was Toki's little secret, and he found it quite fun.

Except that sometime between last February and this, Skwisgaar had become what Toki could officially class as a Valentine. So this Valentine's Day would be different.

"Valenstine Day ams for dildos."

And yet somehow the same.

Toki still made his bandmates cards. This year's were the best ever, Toki decided, and the rest of Dethklok had to agree. Anatomically correct hearts with various sharp instruments sticking out of them, dismembered cherubs, Cupid's own arrows sticking out of his eyes.

"That's pretty metal," commented Nathan. "Thanks, Toki."

"Yeah, thanks, dood. I like da sparkly blood. Dat glitter?"

"Uh huh!"

"Like one final insult, yeah. I like dat." Toki smiled.

"The detail on thisch thing is pretty impresschive," nodded Murderface.

"Glads you likes dem. Charles!" Toki greeted as their manager entered the room. "Happy Valenstine Day!" Charles's card was different. No blood and guts and dying, winged, overweight babies; instead, a picture of the two of them Toki had lovingly crafted out of construction paper, with the words 'Thanks you for beings my Father Friend'. Toki was absolutely certain at that moment that Charles wasn't a robot, because no robot could smile like that.

"Thank you, Toki."

But that was the easy bit. Of course Charles was going to be nice to him, and Dethklok were always suckers for gore. Skwisgaar was another matter entirely. Toki had half-entertained the notion of their relationship bringing out something of a romantic side in Skwisgaar, but he'd had to settle for 'Skwisgaar being a bit nicer a bit more often'. Oh, well: Toki was likely hopelessly romantic enough for the both of them, anyway (probably even for the whole band).

But if Skwisgaar didn't want a fuss, he wasn't going to get one. There'd only be an argument otherwise.

Toki sat back down at the table, where Dethklok were opening their annual bumper edition of naked lady fan mail. The Klokateers went through it all first, checking for quality (or not, in the case of those letters addressed to Skwisgaar, because there were some places even the bravest of Klokateers would fear to tread), but the sheer volume of it still meant it was quite a task for the band. Toki sifted aimlessly through his pile of fan mail, only really paying attention to the heartfelt drawings and letters from his younger fans. Tits were nice and all, but they got a bit samey after a while. Being told 'you're my favourite member of Dethklok and you're much better than Skwisgaar' in big blue letters written in crayon was much more satisfying.

Skwisgaar finally sauntered in twenty minutes or so later. He sat down next to Toki and threw something down in front of him.

"What's dis?" asked Toki.

"Whats does it looks like?"

"A card." The other members of the band were surreptitiously watching them from behind their mountains (or molehill, in Murderface's case) of cards. Toki picked up the card and opened it hesitantly, almost as if he were expecting it to all be some sort of horrible trick.

It wasn't horrible. It was kind of a dick move, but it was mostly funny. "'To my beautiful girlfriend'. Wowee, thanks a lots, Skwisgaar." Toki tried to look annoyed, but his laughter got in the way.

"Dood, are dose... feathers?" The rest of Dethklok found it hilarious.

"Oh, ja," explained Skwisgaar. "It's got feathers, bows, glitters, ribbons. Everything whats a ladys could wants on her cards." He'd asked his GMILFs for their opinion on the matter, but it was probably for the best that Toki wasn't aware of that.

Even without this knowledge, Toki still punched Skwisgaar (not too hard) on the arm. "You's such a jerk. Here." Toki placed an envelope in front of Skwisgaar, who picked it up and opened it carefully (because the world's fastest guitarist getting a paper cut from a Valentine's card from a bandmate probably wasn't very metal).

Skwisgaar's wasn't handmade. It was minimalist and exceedingly simple - just two words, in fact.

"Dat's... Oh, dat's really beautifuls."

"You ams welcome."

Skwisgaar held the card up for the rest of the band to see. Pickles nearly fell off his chair laughing (although he was already rather drunk).

"'You'll do'? Oh my God, that is classic."

"You know, it really warmsch my heart when you two are dicksch to each other."

In a strange way, Toki had to agree. He didn't mind Skwisgaar teasing him when he knew that he didn't mean it. Besides, Toki could always fight fire with fire.

"Well, I can'ts stay," announced Skwisgaar, picking up a pile of cards (including the one from Toki). "My guitar amnt's heres." Of course Skwisgaar would want to to spend Valentine's Day with the one he loved most (though, whether that was himself or his guitar was anyone's guess). He patted Toki on the head as he walked past, which might have been cute if Toki were a puppy and not a fully-grown man. "Sees you laters."

Still, Toki knew an invitation when he heard one.

ooo

"What's dat?" asked Skwisgaar as Toki came through his bedroom door carrying a box wrapped in a bow. "Ams dat a Valenstine presents?"

Toki smiled sheepishly. "I know you didn't wants nothings, but I felt bads not getting yous anything at alls. It ams only a small thing." The size of the box said otherwise. Then again, diamond rings come in tiny boxes. Toki offered the gift to Skwisgaar with a smile. Skwisgaar put down his guitar and took the box from Toki, who sat down next to him on the bed. "You's real hards to gets presents for," commented Toki as Skwisgaar unwrapped the box. "You don't likes anything except guitars and sluts. And you alreadys gots a krillions billions guitars and I'm not gonna fuckings buys you a sluts!"

"Aww, Toki, you's no funs." Skwisgaar opened up the box. His mouth fell open. "You makes dese?" Inside were nine cupcakes, each one with something different on top. Guitars, dragons, yard wolves, tiny Vikings... They were so impressive that Skwisgaar was even willing to let the couple of totally unmetal hearts Toki had thrown in slide.

"I mades de bits what goes on de tops, but Jean-Pierre mades de cakes. You know how goods I ams at cookings..."

"Well, dey looks pretty goods." 'Amazing', actually, but Skwisgaar always had been stingy with his compliments. Skwisgaar took out one of the heart-covered cakes and took a bite. "Oh, fucks, dat's good cupcakes," he mumbled through a mouthful. Skwisgaar scooped up some of the icing on his finger and offered it to Toki, who licked it off dutifully.

"Wowee!" Sewing Jean-Pierre back together again (however wrongly) had been the best decision the band had ever made. "So you not mads dat I gots you a presents?"

"Why would I be mads? Why would anyone be mads to gets a gifts, huh? Thinks about it."

"I guess sos... But you always says 'Valenstine ams for dildos', so I thoughts..."

"It ams for dildos, Toki," said Skwisgaar, "but you's de biggest dildo whats I knows. Looks under de bed."

"Huh?"

"What you needs, a map? Looks under de bed!"

Toki gave Skwisgaar a suspicious look before sliding off the bed and onto his knees. One ear disappeared into the fur on the floor as Toki peered underneath.

Skwisgaar had never heard a gasp that sounded so happy. "You likes dem?" he asked, placing his box of cupcakes next to his guitar.

Toki knelt on the floor, regarding his gift with adoration. There were two teddy bears, which were cute enough as they were, and Deddy was bound to be jealous of how soft and fluffy they felt. But the icing on the cupcake, as it were, was the fact that one of the teddies was holding a tiny Gibson Explorer, whilst the other held a Flying V.

They were a perfect pair.

Instead of answering Skwisgaar's question, Toki pushed him back onto the bed and kissed the life out of him.

"I knew deres was a romancetics guys in dere somewheres!"

"Pfft, it amn'ts romance, little Toki. Just an easy ways of fillings up my 'beings nice to yous' quota. Don'ts got to worries for de rest of de years now."

Toki took one look at the two teddies cuddled up next to each other beside them, and found that excuse very hard to believe.

And that was more of a gift than the bears themselves.


End file.
